


Goodbye

by Holtzmann1998



Series: Being Kates Girlfriend [2]
Category: Kate McKinnon-Fandom, Saturday Night Live
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-09-16 14:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9275984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Holtzmann1998/pseuds/Holtzmann1998
Summary: Your dog, Holtzmann is old and sick and has to be put down. Kate is there to help you through it.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Be prepared for feels. I had to take a break like fives times during this chapter because I was crying too much.

“Hey, I haven’t heard from you for a few days.” A text says. It’s from Kate. You sigh and set your phone back down. You don’t really care about Kate right now. Your phone rings again, this time it’s a call from Leslie. You leave it to go to voicemail.  
“H-Holtz.” You call into your quiet apartment. The old Great Dane walks over to you slowly. Her brown eyes look into you lovingly as her tail wags happily yet slowly. Your text tone goes off again. It’s another from Kate.  
“Are you okay? Les and I are worried about you.” You decide to listen the voicemail.  
“Hey, it’s me. Are you alive? Kate and I haven’t heard from you or seen you in days. Is everything okay? Are you handling your anxiety alright? Are you having more episodes?” Leslie pauses. She sighs. “Please, just call me or text me or something and tell me what’s up.” You can’t bring yourself to talk to anyone but Holtz.  
“Come up here, baby.” You say to the dog. She tilts her head and walks over to you. You help her climb on the couch. She’s laying on top of you. “You know I love you, right?” You say. Your text tone goes off again.  
“Is Holtzmann okay?” Kate asked.  
“I love you, but you’re sick and you’re going to be in pain soon and it’s not right for you to be in pain.” Holtzmann pants at you happily, a glob of slobber dripping out of her mouth and onto your jacket. “It’s not an option for me, but it’s the hardest thing I’ll ever do. I have to have you put down.” You choke out, tears falling from your face. Holtzmann looks at you. She lays her head on your chest. She’s like a big, hairy, shedding, weighted blanket. You wrap your arms around her head and lay there for what feels like minutes.  
“I don’t know, baby, but it’s been too long. She doesn’t just drop out like that.” You hear Leslie say from your front door. She knocks. You don’t bother to get up. You can’t. You feel like everything is crumbling around you. Holtzmann was your whole world, your best friend.  
“I hope she’s okay.” You hear Kate.  
“Hey, come on, I know you’re home!” You hear Leslie pound on your door. Kate looks in your windows.  
“She’s on the couch.” She says. She bangs on the window to get your attention, you don’t move. “She’s not moving.” Kate seems afraid.  
“Shit, not this again.” Leslie digs a key out of her purse. You gave her a key in case of an emergency. You hear the lock click followed by Kate and Leslie rushing into your apartment. Holtzmann lifts her head up and looks at the two and then lays back down. Kate rushes to see your face.  
“You’re alive.” She smiles at you. You shrug your shoulders. “You look broken. What’s wrong?” You push Holtzmann to your feet and sit up. Holtzmann sits next to you and you wrap her in a hug. You feel your body begin to shake.  
“We can’t help you of you don’t tell us.” Leslie says, somewhat annoyed as she sits in a folding chair by your desk.  
“What happened?” Kate asks you again. You glance at Holtzmann.  
“I-I took her to the vet last week.” You say with a shaky breath. Leslie and Kate look at you, imagining what you were going to say. “She’s sick. She’s on some meds to help with pain.” Tears instantly well in your eyes and fall on Holtzmann’s tan hair. She inhales and loudly exhales. “Tomorrow, we go back and that’ll be the end. I can’t let my best friend suffer. It’s not…..” You trail off, unable to speak. Kate looks at you and walks over to you.  
“I’m so sorry, I know how much she means to you.” She says as she rubs your back.  
“Damn.” Leslie mumbles. “You shouldn’t have scared us like that though!” She glares at you. You could have answered our calls and texts even once.” She scolded.  
“What’s the point?” You ask. “I’m about to lose Holtz. What am I without Holtzmann? What is this stupid apartment without someone to eat my cereal or chew up stuff in my closet or watch movies with? It’s just an empty, depressing space.” You sigh. Holtzmann wiggles out of your arms and jumps off the couch. She heads towards your room. “Jillian Holtzmann, get your butt over here and let me love you!” You call to her.  
“Memories, Les.” Kate can’t help but grin. Holtzmann ignores you and walks into your room.  
“Yeah, that dog does remind me of you, but she likes cereal more.” Les says flatly.  
“You’re still you without Holtzmann. Who were you before you got her?” Kate asks you, turning her attention back to you.  
“A lowlife looser living in Leslie’s apartment with her.” You mumble.  
“You were the light of my life.” Leslie says sarcastically. “We can get you a new dog.” She suggests.  
“I don’t want a new dog. I want Holtzmann.” You mumble. “I just want to spend the last day with my dog.” You sigh.  
“I don’t want to leave you here alone. Can I spend the night?” Kate asks.  
“If you want.” You say.  
“Hey, if you need me, you know where to find me.” Leslie says quietly as she stands up. She walks over to you and wraps you in a huge hug. “You’re doing the right thing.”  
“It hurts. It hurts so fucking much, Leslie.” You choke out in a high-pitched voice. Your body begins to shake.  
“I know, I know. It’ll be okay though.”  
“No, it won’t. I’ll be alone again. I won’t have anyone to come home to. I won’t have a home. She’s all the home I have. I don’t want to be alone again.” You sob.  
“You won't be alone.” Kate says quietly as she joins the hug. “You’ve never been alone. Leslie has always been here for you and I’m here for you.” You enjoy the feel of her touch, but you’re too upset to really care about her touching you.  
“I’m going to go now. If you want, I can spend the night.” Leslie says as she lets go of you.  
“N-no, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you later.” You say. Leslie smiles at you.  
“See you later, Kate.” She says. Kate waves as Leslie walks out of the door. It’s already pitch black outside. You don’t know what time it is, but you’re exhausted.  
“I hate to be rude, Kate, but I’m tired.” You say.  
“No, it’s not rude at all. It’s already past midnight.” She says as she takes off her shoes.  
“I don’t have many places to sleep. You can sleep on the couch or you can join me in the bed.” Kate smiles. “I don’t mean like a couple. I mean, I know we’re a couple now, but I just, I mean-“  
“It’s okay, I know what you mean.” She smiles. “I’ll bunk with you.” You nod as you lead her to the bedroom. There’s already a second pillow. Holtzmann is laying in the middle of the bed.  
“Holtz, move over.” You say. She just looks at you with her brown eyes. “Holtzmann, make room for us.” You say sternly. “Jillian Holtzmann, move over or I won’t buy anymore cereal.” You say. The dog looks at you, sighs an annoyed sigh, and moves to the side of the bed.  
“She’s like a child.” Kate smiles to you.  
“Yeah, a spoiled brat.” You say as you climb in the bed next to the dog. “I’m sorry that the bed probably smells like Holtzmann.” You say, too tired to be embarrassed.  
“It’s alright, I probably smell like my son, who is a cat.” Kate smiles as she climbs in bed next to you.  
“Thanks for staying with us.” You mumble as you clap and turn the lights off.  
“Anything for you.” She smiles. You hum in reply before falling into a dreamless sleep. You wake up to your alarm going off. In the night, Holtzmann has moved back into the center of the bed. You had one arm hugging her neck and the other arm was holding something. A hand. You were confused as to why there was a hand in your bed. As you sat up, you saw Kate over the large dog and remembered why there was an alarm and what was going on today. Kate smiled at you.  
“Morning.” You force a smile.  
“Morning.” She looks at you, her blue eyes full of concern.  
“Holtz, go make your breakfast.” You say to the dog. She looks at you, confused. You never told her that. “Go on, eat whatever you want.” She stands up and walks to the kitchen like she understands. You sit on the edge of the bed and take a deep breath.  
“It’ll be okay.” Kate whispers as she crawls over to you and hugs you from behind. She had taken her shirt and pants off sometime in the night. You were still in jeans, a t-shirt, and a jacket.  
“Yeah.” You mumble. “You can wear whatever is in that closet.” You nod towards your closet. “I have to get some papers and stuff for the vet.” You stand up and walk out of the room. Holtzmann is helping herself to a box of cereal in the kitchen, spilling it all over the floor. You walk to your desk and look at a binder with pictures of Holtzmann pasted on it. They range from the day you brought her home to two months ago. You just stare at it for what feels like hours.  
“Hey, you okay?” Kate brings you out of your trance.  
“Y-yeah. I’m fine. You turn to face her. She’s wearing a pair of ripped up jeans and a blue t-shirt.  
“I’m staying with you.”  
“You don’t have to.”  
“I want to. Holtzmann needs someone to be there for her, and you need someone there for you.” Kate whispers as she kisses your cheek. “Go get dressed, I’ll make breakfast.”  
“I’m not hungry. It’s almost time for the vet to get here.” You say. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” You realize just how much of a bad host you’re being, but at the same time you don’t care.  
“That’s fine. We can get something later.” Kate says. You nod. You grab a green leash from the hook next to the desk.  
“Holtzmann, let’s go on one last adventure.” You say. She looks at you, wags her tails and walks over. You clip the leash onto the collar. It’s a custom black collar with the Ghostbuster’s logo all over it. The three of you walk out the door and into the cool fall air. Holtzmann looks at everything happily. There’s something different about the way she is acting. She knows it’s her time, just like you and Kate know. You only walk around the block. Kate is by your side the whole time. “When she was a puppy and she decided she didn’t want to do something, she’d just flop herself on the ground and refuse to get up.” You tell Kate. She laughs. “One time, when I was into doing crayon art, she ate like half a box of crayons and half a canvas.” You continue telling your many stories of Holtzmann’s adventures. You reach your apartment again as the vet’s van pulls in.  
“Is this Jillian?” A man asks as he steps out of the van and walks towards you.  
“Yes, I have everything in the apartment.” You say calmly. You say it in a way that scares Kate. She can tell it’s not your first-time faking composure, you do it too well for it to be the first time. You unlock the door and invite the vet in. Holtz lays on the floor by the kitchen in a pile of cereal. You and the vet talk, he explains what he will do, you give him papers, he gives you papers, you sign papers, he signs papers, and you pay him.  
“Alright, Jillian. Let me see your leg.” The vet crouches down by Holtz’s back paw. You hold her head in your lap and stoke her fur.  
“This isn’t goodbye forever, Holtz. We’ll meet again someday. I don’t know when, but we will. I promise.” Her tail thumps on the tile. The vet inserts the needle. You continue to talk to Holtzmann and pet her. A few minutes pass by and she closes her eyes and doesn’t open them. “Is she gone?” You ask.  
“Yes, she is.” The vet says as he takes out the needle and begins to pack his things.  
“Good.” You say. You lower your head and your hair covers your face. “I didn’t want the last time she saw me to be me crying.” You say as large tears fall from your face and onto Holtz’s still face. “You were a good dog, baby. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you from getting sick. I love you. I want you to remember that. I’ll always love you and your love of cereal and digging in my closet and eating stuff I tell you not you.” You stop talking because you’re crying too hard.  
“Would you like of me to handle her body?” The vet asks. You shake your head as you stand up and step back from your best friend to allow the vet to work. You don’t look at Kate.  
“I’m sorry you have to see me like this.” You force yourself to say. You take deep breaths, trying to force yourself to stop crying.  
“Stop.” Kate says. She wraps you in a hug and pulls you close. You wrap your arms around her neck and hold on to her tightly. “It’s okay to cry. You don’t need to force yourself not to.” She whispers.  
“Really?”  
“Really.” You allow yourself to cry. It’s not pretty, there’s a lot of whimpering and choking and teeth clenching. Your face is puffy and your eyes are red.  
“K-Kate?” You say.  
“Yeah?”  
“How come it hurts so much?” You say though sobs and hiccups.  
“Because she was special to you. You were special to her too.”  
“Kate?”  
“Yes?”  
“Will I ever see her again?”  
“Yeah, you will.”  
“Promise?”  
“Yeah, I promise." Kate whispers.


End file.
